Saturday August 27, 2005   

I’m sad today. Around 12 am last night Mike and I had this huge 3 hour fight. I don’t know~ He seems over it but I don’t feel right. I don’t feel “ok.” He’ll probably read this but oh well. I could go into all of it but mainly it’s the stress about moving. Well, his stress. I’m not scared about moving. I still am totally lost about what he was mad at last night. It’s so lose, lose. I tried not to even get involved in the fight and that didn’t work. Then I tried just sitting there and listening. But he blames me for everything, including stuff I don’t even know what he’s talking about! After 30 minutes of that I couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing. He just kept on so I ended up extremely enraged. It was horrible.

I’m not mad anymore. I never really was. He’s so hard to deal with because of all this stress. It’s so terrible. He contradicts everything he says then blames me. I can’t even be my sarcastic self around him because instead of laughing he gets pissed off and the only way to change that is to do the fight with him. I’m really tired of it. But of course, like he said last night, it’s my fault he’s like that.

That’s why I’m still unsettled. I’ve put up a wall today. I don’t want to talk to him about anything because I’m afraid something I say will piss him off. I know this entry makes him sound horrible, but I can’t go into ALL the details. I know I’m not 100% innocent in this shit.

I know I get irritated/pissed when he asks me the same question over & over. I told him to stop asking me “Are you sure you want to move.” I feel it’s such a hurtful question. As if he doubts I love him, or that I’m a southern redneck who’s too scared to move out of the south. It’s a hurtful question to me and I told him that over & over and that I WILL get pissed if you ask me it everyday. I’ve answered the question a billion times already. But no, he STILL ASKS ME.

I don’t know. And I’m still upset about Pookie’s passing. I just don’t know. I’m really really down for the first time in weeks. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to even take a shower. I don’t want to write letters or talk to anyone or watch TV. Love is so fuckin’ complicated. No one ever talks about the downs of it. As good as it can be, it can be just as bad. It’s a balance. It’s a fuckin’ cruel balance.

edit. He apologized for everything and said it was all his fault. It doesn’t really change much though. It only matters if he really tries to not take out his stress on me. We’ll see~

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Thursday August 25, 2005   

I drove to my parents’ today. I needed to get some bank stuff together from their deposit box and I needed to pick up my vanity for the move in a month. I also saw my grandparents. My grandfather got me a beautiful gold necklace with an anchor pendent from Kuwait. The anchor is a very personal symbol for both of us and it truly meant a lot to me. I have to say I was so stunned at the gift. No one has ever remembered things that meant a lot to me. When I was young I asked him why he wore the gold anchor all the time. Then for my confirmation I chose a symbol of an anchor. Now I too have this symbol to wear forever ^_^.

Besides that the day was pretty odd. I don’t know. It’s not the same without Pookie there to visit :(. My Mom flipped out because I had forgot to mention that this was the last time I was visiting before I moved. I might not visit till next summer. I never visited often anyway!!!! But she just started weeping all over me. I was so…. out of my comfort zone because really I was SO excited to be moving and I wasn’t that upset because, like I said, I rarely visited anyway! They lived 2 hours away, I didn’t always drive home. So, I dunno, I’m an adult, boo-hoo-hoo. But I wasn’t mean about it. I just kept saying she made it sound like I was going off to die or something terrible. I know why she felt this way. I’m just saying a couldn’t relate. My Mom & I are complete opposites in everything we do.

Mike got me this >> useful, no? I owe him. Hahaha.

I have work tomorrow…. boooooooooo.
kamille Livv Reiko zap Vicki Kim Joanna tuan jennifer mango lain anna Lorik Jennifer kate minnymiss

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