somber, it’s pretty outside

Saturday, August 27th, 2005 | 11 Comments

I’m sad today. Around 12 am last night Mike and I had this huge 3 hour fight. I don’t know~ He seems over it but I don’t feel right. I don’t feel “ok.” He’ll probably read this but oh well. I could go into all of it but mainly it’s the stress about moving. Well, his stress. I’m not scared about moving. I still am totally lost about what he was mad at last night. It’s so lose, lose. I tried not to even get involved in the fight and that didn’t work. Then I tried just sitting there and listening. But he blames me for everything, including stuff I don’t even know what he’s talking about! After 30 minutes of that I couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing. He just kept on so I ended up extremely enraged. It was horrible.

I’m not mad anymore. I never really was. He’s so hard to deal with because of all this stress. It’s so terrible. He contradicts everything he says then blames me. I can’t even be my sarcastic self around him because instead of laughing he gets pissed off and the only way to change that is to do the fight with him. I’m really tired of it. But of course, like he said last night, it’s my fault he’s like that.

That’s why I’m still unsettled. I’ve put up a wall today. I don’t want to talk to him about anything because I’m afraid something I say will piss him off. I know this entry makes him sound horrible, but I can’t go into ALL the details. I know I’m not 100% innocent in this shit.

I know I get irritated/pissed when he asks me the same question over & over. I told him to stop asking me “Are you sure you want to move.” I feel it’s such a hurtful question. As if he doubts I love him, or that I’m a southern redneck who’s too scared to move out of the south. It’s a hurtful question to me and I told him that over & over and that I WILL get pissed if you ask me it everyday. I’ve answered the question a billion times already. But no, he STILL ASKS ME.

I don’t know. And I’m still upset about Pookie’s passing. I just don’t know. I’m really really down for the first time in weeks. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to even take a shower. I don’t want to write letters or talk to anyone or watch TV. Love is so fuckin’ complicated. No one ever talks about the downs of it. As good as it can be, it can be just as bad. It’s a balance. It’s a fuckin’ cruel balance.

edit. He apologized for everything and said it was all his fault. It doesn’t really change much though. It only matters if he really tries to not take out his stress on me. We’ll see~

11 Comments

Jenny @ 4:38 pm ; Saturday    [url]
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